This blog post has been sitting in my drafts for almost 3 months, I’ve been scared to post it as I know its a very sensitive subject particularly for people who suffer with endometriosis and women’s health issues. I know that this post may make me come across as a less likeable person and if I was posting I was pregnant it would probably be one of my most liked and read but it is something that I wanted to share.
It seems like everybody is having babies right now and being married for 3 years I often get asked “when I plan to have children?” It often surprises people when I respond with either never or we aren’t planning on it. Even in 2019 it is still seen as one of life’s stepping stones to get married, get a house and then spend the majority of your adult life raising children. If you have children you’ll probably disagree with some of the points I write in this post but it’s my blog and I will only ever be completely real with no bullshit.
It all seems very pressured to me that a woman is expected to want and have children, even more so for myself with endometriosis. It is almost like because I have a condition which could cause infertility that I should want children even more so than the next woman. I have had comments such as “you don’t know what it is to be a woman until you have children” and “you’ve never experienced real love until you look into your babies eyes” “You’re running out of time” and my favourite “You’ll change your mind” which I appreciate that is how some women feel and I am thrilled for them. However I have no concerns about time or internal body clocks, I want my time for myself and there are so many ways I can feel love and be a woman without having a child. In the same way that women are celebrated for being pregnant, why can’t women who choose not to be as well? It almost seems ok to judge someone for choosing to be child free.
In all honesty having children has never appealed to me, I’m not maternal and I do not get broody around babies. It’s not that I hate children but I can’t say that I’m particularly fond of them either. I have beautiful nieces and nephews which I adore but I am very happy to see them for brief periods of time after which they go home with their parents. I could go on and list all of the things I dislike about children but I am sure you know someone who has one who could give you all of the disadvantages themselves and I don’t want to come across as a complete hater.
I love my life how it is and I know that this would not be the case with a child included. Yes I have illnesses but I also get to do what I want when I want, I sleep all night, I have a quiet house when I want it to be quiet, I go on great holidays, put myself first and see my current family as complete. It’s not all about the superficial and material aspects of life for sure, it’s also about the effort and work that goes into raising a child from birth to adult. A feat that I am in awe of women for doing especially the ones who still go out there and work full time jobs while raising beautiful, amazing humans. My conditions obviously do contribute to my decision; I don’t know how much of a good parent I would be suffering with what I have, perhaps my maternal side isn’t there because I have them, who knows?
I am completely content in my choice to be child free and can see my future staying that way. I look forward to retiring and not having a 20 year old still living at home or having to subsidise someones life with the money I worked so hard for all of my life. I also feel at the age of 30 I am too old to even consider wanting children as I’d be almost 50 by the time they were adults themselves. I know 30 is young but to me I just cannot picture my life in 20 years having children or young adults that need me as a parent.
In conversations around the subject I often feel as if I need to defend my answers, I’ve never felt offended by this but I wish people would not make assumptions that just because they have chosen to do something in their life that so should I. Often my wife and myself will get questions such as “is it because of Abi’s health?” or is “it because you’re in a same sex relationship so it is slightly more difficult?”, the answer to both is always no and we are both completely happy with our decisions. I am very lucky in that my wife does share the same opinions as me in this area, we have a very gorgeous, very spoilt dog Eric who is more than enough for us to take care of.
I don’t doubt that many women lead very fulfilling and full lives with children and I make no judgement on anyone who does want to start a family. It is just purely something that isn’t for me and I have different goals and aspirations in life. Maybe I will regret it when I’m older, maybe I’ll end up old and alone but I have to live in the present and for who I am right now. This isn’t like a savings account where I need to do it now to make sure I’m covered in the future. I can’t live my life for a future I have no control over.
In reading about other women who feel the same way as me I came across multiple who felt ashamed by their decision and I completely agree with them. I myself feel that I’m judged for not wanting to reproduce, it’s something I need to work on mentally as guilt and shame are not good to be carrying around. Even writing this post I am worried that people will see me as less of a good person, cynical or less caring which couldn’t be further from the truth. The cultural norms and traditions in society have created this life path for women to follow and the ones who don’t follow it come across as outcasts, less empathetic and less understanding.
I am so happy for people when they have babies as I know that its bringing joy into their life, so I’m definitely not against people pro-creating and their is no hidden agenda behind my choices. I just really wanted to be completely open and honest about my thoughts on this, I love that people read my blog but it is such a release for me as well being able to put my thoughts into a place where I can share them with other like minded people.
If you are reading this and share my same thoughts your not alone!
Thanks for reading.