I wanted to write this not because I can actually give any advice on it right now but more as a way to firstly accept the issue I currently have and secondly to come back and read when I find myself doing it. I am addicted to being busy, and I don’t mean socially as I’m a bit of a hermit but just always needing to be doing something productive. Even right now I’m sat down in front of the TV under a blanket and I can’t help but get my laptop out and write a blog post.
Don’t get me wrong I love blogging my journey and posting on social but I’m trying to be an advocate for chronic illness and taking care of yourself but yet I never rest and relax.
For the last 8 years I’ve worked in a job where being busy is my thing, I am the most efficient and organised person you will ever meet. If you give me a task I will get it done and everything else on my list for that day plus a few others. But since getting sick last year I’ve had to take a bit of time off and now I have a lot more free time on my hands but I’m still filling all of that time with anything but relaxing.
Since my hospital admission in December I’ve pretty much redecorated my living room, bought a new bed, organised my wardrobe, make up collection, planned out my monthly budgets for 6 months and every other cabinet in my house plus written 24 blog articles and posted on social media everyday about my conditions. I checked my WordPress stats and it told me I had written 7,500 words this month… that is insane and almost as much as my university dissertation! I pretty much went back to work full time a week after I was discharged and have worked the full hours from then until now plus some extra here and there out of hours. I definitely do not want to give up sharing about my illnesses but I need to find a way to add more relaxation time into my day or week where I can switch off and not be busy.
Reading the above now my comment about having more free time hasn’t really been relevant until recently. For someone who was very unwell last year I’m really not good at chilling out and giving myself a break, I want to be super woman and have an amazing career and lots of hobbies and always look great but really I’m in a lot of pain, I sleep about 4 hours a night and could probably do with a week in bed watching Gossip Girl.
So I need to learn how to rest and relax. I have to accept that I am who I am mentally but physically I can’t change either so they need to work in unison where I’m mentally fulfilled and physically able to live the life I want. I’m not sure how I’m going to do this, knowing me it will involve physically planning it into a diary or planning out my week hour by hour into an excel spreadsheet.
What I do know is that mentally I think I’m a bit scared of not being productive, that now I’m not being the busy bee in work all week I feel a little bit useless especially with the chronic illnesses added on top. I feel a bit like an invalid, my current job is about to end after 8 years not due to my illness, because of anything I’d done or because I wanted it to but the combination of it happening right after being diagnosed with Crohn’s has messed with my head a bit.
I’m lucky that I have some time now I can take where I won’t be working full time so I’m going to spend it working out what I want to do next but I also know this is the perfect opportunity for me to rest and get myself as well as possible with everything that’s happened over the last year. I just need to make sure I take this time and use it wisely rather than constantly being productive and busy.
This blog post has probably not been very helpful to anyone but it has made me feel better actually writing the words down. I will keep you all posted on how learning to relax is going over the next few weeks and if it’s helped mentally and physically. On that note I’m going to take the first step, I’m taking myself to bed without my phone and just watching TV!
Thanks for reading!